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13 Apr

Tonight I heard a comment from my girlfriend in the middle of our conversation that “I’m not matured yet”. My mind suddenly uttered something that I didn’t really think before with “It’s our decision to make, not time…just like praying or fasting, we may not like to do it, indeed we decide to do it”. To be honest, it was not the first time I heard such saying “I’m not matured yet”, “I want to enjoy my young age”, “This is my time to have fun”.

What I’m saying is there is nothing wrong with having fun, I encourage it to be involved in whatever we are doing instead. The problem occurs when “fun” becomes the end, and we attached to it. We are all responsible for whatever we are doing, even to the deepest level of thinking. What we enjoy as fun, could be a suffering for someone else, as what usually lame joke does and could be a problematic end to ourselves indeed.

Then what maturity is? Personally for me, it is not just to do more right things, it is the bravery and honesty to admit that many times we are being wrong and not to fall to the same pit twice. Matured parents are able to admit that their kids might have better information about things, matured couple are able to see relationship matters clearly without the feeling of unfair judgements, matured teachers are able to improve their teaching skills by letting students surprise them with what they got. Being wrong has no feeling, realizing that we were wrong has, and it takes maturity to get through that feeling with a winner mentality and see the problem as pure as it is.

Some of you might think that this has something to do with Grand Unified Theory of physics. Yes, you are correct. We are responsible for our thinking as it might be polluting the waves within our environment. Thus we need to be aware and guard what it is doing time to time. We need to stop and take a step back of our life, analyze, realize, decide to correct the things we have done wrong, and grateful for things we do right. If we feel we are heading to the wrong direction, admit it, and make a strong commitment to correct it, and the world will help. If we feel we are heading to the right direction, ask for more support as the Unmanifested is always in ourselves, listening.


Anxious Flux

10 Apr

It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote in this blog ’bout something useful. I better ask myself what I have been doing for all those invisibility from here:

First: working, is obviously took most of my time. Editing videos, arranging events. Office hours: 9 to 6, yes 9 hours a day, what a workaholic country it is. I am realising the seconds passing by due to the bore! I have to take two hours travel to go to the office, and back. Yes, it is four hours in total. The reason: I have to survive, and I was believing at the promise that they’re going to hire me permanently, in this respective area.

Do I enjoy it? Now? Not really, I am trying to calm myself down day by day. I’m about to leave this job due to the reason that I have to be transferred if I wanted to stay in this company. In which I don’t want to, first: I’m going no where out of Malaysia; second: my value is dying here. When an organisation is pursuing no more than just being number one in the industry and nothing else, sorry guys but my dream is bigger than this.

I’ve been applying for jobs in some places and waiting for the calls for interview. Anxious? Sure there is. The time is getting tighter day by day. Am I happy? I can’t say no. I still have a lot to be grateful about. Now that I have time to write this is one of them.

Second: reading. I am still reading several books. The Power of Now by Eckhart Toole, and Leaders With No Title by Robin Sharma is the second one. I love those books, written beautifully with insights about life. I think it is one of the way for us to guard the garden of our mind, to keep it busy doing the right, even though sometimes boring things. Am I choosy with my reading materials? No, I basically read anything ranging from music to philosophy. Every word, contains wisdom that are too priceless to be left unread. I leave romance behind though. Prince and princess stories are too linear.

Third: playing music. This is obviously one of my best wasted time. I love spending time in front of tutorial videos, adding vocabularies to my playing. Choosing the licks I like, tasting the feeling of songs I love to sing. The feeling of loosing a sense of time out of normal routine. It is just lovely.

Fourth: leisure time, it is inclusive of dating and teaching guitar. Ouh yeah, I really do love the first one. To find someone who we really love and do love us back in probably bigger amount than what we have given into relationship is a bliss. Teaching guitar as sharing my small expertise is an opportunity for me to build a great future through somebody else. I’m passing my personal values along the way.

Those are my excuse, and now I am telling myself: NO MORE EXCUSES! If you want to reach your dream to be an inspiring writer: DO WRITE AHMAD NIQI FAUZAN!

So This is Goodbye…

22 Sep

The thing never now, were you (unintelligible)
You’re gone and I won’t see you anymore
You left my love on the run
And said that you were leaving
And you won’t come home again (x2)

And I’ll miss you like you’re dead
But I never got to grieve you
Cause I saw you
In the arms of someone else

So your phantom follows me
Like a child would his mother
Or a lover who never said goodbye
It’s only saying goodbye

And I cry myself to sleep
And you thought I was happy
I was lonely
Had nowhere to go

And I heard that you moved on
Found a brand new family
And changed your married name
And everything has changed

And I’ll miss you like you’re dead
And find a way to grieve you
Cause I need to
Try and start again

And your ghost will have to leave
Like a child would his mother
Or a lover
Who has to say goodbye
It’s always say goodbye
It’s always say goodbye
It’s always say goodbye
It’s always say goodbye
It’s always say goodbye
It’s always say goodbye
It’s always say good good good

This song sounds so dark, especially with the remix and the hurt that impeded in the lyric that make me close my eyes and suddenly see myself in the blatant darkness of misery. This is when we accept and embrace the past “so your phantom follows me“, God damn I cant imagine how hurt this guy was. 

Why Mom (A Monologue)

29 Aug

Can u stop screaming at me Mom! I’m really tired and sick of listening to it. You asked me to keep silent and not to answer and challenge you, but you asked me for answers! You asked me answers of why did I do those things, but you never actually gave me time to speak out my mind! What the hell actually do you want from me?

You want me to be honest? Can’t you remember when there’s a beggar in front of our door and you asked me to tell him that you’re not home? Aint that a lie? I may be young, but I know what consistency means, teachers in my school teach me bout that when God creates gravity. He is consistent! Freaking consistent!

You want me to be respectful to you? Have you ever heard yourself when you scream at me? Do you think you respect me as your son? Have you ever stopped telling me what to do and never let me know why I should listen to you other than just ‘COZ I’M UR MOM, I BROUGHT YOU TO THIS LIFE!’ I hope you can be more creative than that Mom.

You asked me to keep learning, I just really hope that I can tell you proudly what I have learnt outside there, about physics, biology, about how different and rich the world out there. I just want you to appreciate me, but do you realise that you have no time for me but to complain that I kept asking you for your money and you’re so afraid that you will not have more for you to buy your shoe.

Listen Mom, I’m gonna stop there. Thank you for the nine months, thank you for the food you gave me, thank you for all the love you gave me when I was a child, not a teenager like now. Thank you for all the time you kept me at home with warmth and protection.

From now on, let me be myself, I think I like music, I wanna play drum, it looks cool and powerful you know! I think I’m starting to like girls too, don’t worry, I know they can be pregnant, and I know their heart are not made from glass. My friends’ say drugs are fun, but don’t worry, I’ve read all the facts, and you have raised a smart son.

From now on, I’ll be a mature man, knowing that you did your best based on your knowledge and stop whining ‘why mom’.